What the fuck is wrong with you?! You read articles on the internet about how to make yourself fart? Seek professional help. Have you done that? Ok, good, now here’s what to do. There are two different methods for making yourself fart on command: you can swallow air with your mouth and wait the 3-4 minutes it’ll take for it to make its way to your colon and out the rear, or you can literally inhale air WITH YOUR BUTTHOLE (how cool is that, huh??) which will allow you to fart immediately. First, the swallowing air method:
- Go sit on a comfortable surface, but remember the key is to sit up straight, don’t slouch.
- Fill your mouth (don’t inhale into your lungs) with air.
- Swallow. Try to actually feel the air going into your stomach.
- Do this several times and wait 3-4 minutes. You should then have to fart several times. Ta-da.
The inhale-with-your-butt-method
I tried this and finally figured it out and thought I should clarify on how to do this:
- Lie down on a bed or somewhere flat and pull your legs up to your head so that they’re on either side.
- Basically, you inhale with your butt: just relax your rectum and let the air come in. It takes a bit of practice but you’ll figure it out if you work at it.
- Keep doing this until you feel a fart coming on, and then release it.
I actually found a video of a guy demonstrating (he gives good directions while doing it, though 🙂 ) and since that’s much more amusing, I’m also going to show you that:
Additional Resources and Further Reading
Ohhhh have I got a book for you, check this out, I suspect it’s right up your alley (pun intended 😀 ): Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart
While you’re at it you should probably check out these fun facts about farting, and maybe have a look at this hilarious story about the gift of farting on command.
